I eat Nutella from the jar. It’s fuckin beautiful. I also eat family size chocolate packets. Not normal size chocolate bars. They simply aren’t enough. I can eat a whole packet of Cadbury’s fingers in one go. I’m not boasting…it’s pretty disgusting.
It could be considered binge eating. It’s ironic though because I suffer from Emetophobia so you would assume that I wouldn’t eat food in large quantities for fear of being sick.
When I found out I was pregnant (which was at the dentist when I briefly fainted and whilst performing my graceful fall I managed to scatter all of the dental shit on the floor) I couldn’t quite believe it. Yes we were planning. But it was only 2 months since I stopped taking the pill. My first thought was oh holy fuck. My second thought was morning sickness. Something I had dreaded all of my adult life. I was happy…but a strange kind of happy. Is it wrong to not feel complete elation? I felt my phobia had already put a massive shadow over my happy news.
Immediately my body went into defence mode. Ironically when you are an emetophobe (sounds like some kind of futuristic robot) when you get anxious you start to feel nauseous. I spent the next few days on my own as my partner/fiancé (I fuckin hate the word fiancé it sounds so poncy so from now on he will be referred to as Yorkshire Daddy) was away with work.
That was when my mind went into overdrive. Fuck work, fuck this little miracle growing inside my body, fuck everything else what the hell am I going to do if I get morning sickness? I couldn’t get past it. It was fuckin hard.
Anyone that has this phobia knows how it fucks with your mind every day. I don’t think I have it as severe as some others, but the first trimester I spent feeling so ill practically all of the time. I am not sure if it was pure luck or mind over matter but I managed to get through without being physically ill. But the nausea was bad. It took over my life. Dare I say it I couldn’t even think about this wee bean growing in my belly soon to become the greatest love of my life. I just wanted it to go away.
After about 20 weeks I felt better. I didn’t look back since then really. I had my moments but I was very lucky that I managed to go through my first pregnancy which I had avoided for YEARS without any sickness.
Now my little boy is 8 months old, despite the lead up to his birth and his actual birth (will blog this later) I feel stronger and much less anxious about my phobia. I don’t think the phobia will ever go away but if I can survive a pregnancy without throwing up then I’m doing pretty good.
Back to the Nutella. I do binge eat. I’m not massive but still need to lose some baby weight. But it’s like I have trained my body to know my cut off point so that I know if something will make me feel sick. It’s just a pity that my cut off point is after half a jar of Nutella and a triple fuckin Bounty.